Big Day

Hello, everyone!

My SLOW recovery tends to progress SLOWLY, but I am getting better. I have learned that this is the toughest time in the process for many survivors/patients mentally . . . because you've done all you can with the treatments and you're waiting for the all clear and for your body to shake off 6 months or so of physical abuse.

I've noticed my loved ones around me have been more impatient lately for me to get better. It's so easy for me to forget how this is not just my battle and struggle. Everyone else has so much at stake, and it's natural for them to want to see results too. It's also natural for them to go to the source of those results (me) and be selfish or impatient for me to get better. Of course, nobody wants me better, eating and living than me. Unlike everyone around me, I've been trapped here the whole time. I don't get breaks to visit friends or family, to have a nice meal to get away from it, etc. For me, this IS life. The point is, I understand everyone's love and wanting me to get better . . . but it's hard enough for me to be understanding, patient and calm with my body when I don't have outside negative pressure.

Everyday, I want to get up and be able to grab a bagel and cream cheese, a mocha latte and head to work where I see friends and feel productive. I want to meet up after work for drinks or dinner with friends and then head out to meet Kristina, where we go to a movie, etc. A lot of nights I have dreams about eating food, being at work, and getting my old life back. Then I wake up. It's hard as hell to fight the disappointment and depression, and that gets compounded when the people I love are obviously hurt/inconvenienced by my condition.

This is a part of the strength that is coming with the process though. I've got to be strong enough to fight through all of this, and not get down.

Tomorrow morning, I have my PET/CT scan at 11am ET. It's the test where they see if there's any cancer cells in my body. There are often false positives, meaning the test says you have cancer when you don't. There are almost no false negatives, so if the test comes back negative it's good news. If it comes back positve, I'm not going to fall apart.

In the mean time, I'm battling through the last stages of a little bout with the flu. Everyone around me has had it, just about. It's a little funny to me. Everyone talks about how awful it is, and how they "pray for death", etc. I suffered through it for a few days and thought, this is a piece of cake. Nausea, fatigue, congestion, a little vomiting? Welcome to my world. hehehe. I'm a survivor now, and the flu doesn't phase me.