'The cuckoo who is on to himself is halfway out of the clock."
- Wilson Mizner, playwright
I've got 21 of 35 radiation treatments done, and 2 of my three primary chemo treatments under my belt, so I'm really past halfway here.
I've been pretty lucky with my chemo treatments so far. I have tolerated these without much nausea (caused by the chemo) and without much trouble except for some permanent high frequency hearing loss and ringing in my ears. As an avid target shooter, this was probably in my future anyway. Honestly, it's not bad because it doesn't interfere with conversation and I know in time I'll get used to the ringing and tune it out.
The radiation side effects have been very rough, though. I can't lie. The radiation has burned my throat and made my mouth a little raw, leaving me with a constant briny taste in my mouth, but the worst part of this that I have a constant heavy amount of phlegm. I know gross. This is more than just inconvenient, though. It's overpoweringly nauseating, requires me to constantly cough/spit it up, and has made it impossible for me to eat, sleep, or talk. It's my biggest cross to bear in the whole treatment. Medicine has been ineffective to combat this. Fortunately, this will slowly disappear after the radiation treatments stop and is not a permanent side effect.
I knew from reading other posts that around Week 3/4 things would get pretty hard, and here I am in Week 5, with a few weeks of treatment to go and then recovery after.
There are times when you struggle to take in calories through your feeding tube, just to get sick and lose all those nutrients. Your eyes water from vomiting and you feel awful. I give myself two minutes to feel sorry for myself, and then chill for a bit and then get those calories (and hydration) back in there. Getting sick is more a matter of inconvenience than any sort of grossness for me now. It physically burns a bit, but then you rinse with baking soda/salt/water and get right back in the fight.
Similarly, it can really suck when you get your shower and are heading out the door for treatment, and then the cap on your feeding tube pops open and you spill Ensure all over your shirt, pants, etc. Sometimes, it will happen again right after you've cleaned up and changed from the first incident. These times just show me that God loves to fuck with me, and has a great sense of humor. What matters is that you just gotta do what you gotta do. Get changed, get that food and water back in you, and go about your business. Cursing and blowing up doesn't help . . . I've tried it.
Sorry to share this unpleasantnesss, but I wanted to be honest on this blog for people who are going through this sort of thing later. I want people to know what to expect and honestly how it feels to go through treatment.
All the same, when I keep my mind engaged I can forget about the side effects for short bursts and let my thoughts take me to the world outside cancer. I think about things like my Daytona Coupe, fantasy football, the theater company that I am a part of, and many pleasant memories of travels and good times. Either that or I watch an episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and just laugh for a half-hour.
This cancer-fighting game is a battle of endurance. I can definitely outlast the treatments, and still keep my spirits intact. I just pray that all this hardship is not in vain, and that we get rid of this cancer and it never comes back. It would suck to go through all this and still lose to cancer.
14 comments:
Hi Dave
Glad to see that you're still keeping that great sence of humor!!
You really are amazing!!
Anyone that reads this is inspired by your strenth and your attitude.
You're going to come out a winner because that's the kind of person you are.
You have so many people cheering for you.
Better days are on the way!!!!!
Love & Hugs, Nancy
I don't know if that car is cool enough for you. I am thinking you are a pretty cool guy after reading that.
Love the honesty.
There is no way this is in vain; and no way you are or ever will be a loser. I do think you could permit yourself, oh, say, 3 straight minutes of self-pity, rather than 2.
Honest accounts of tough situations are absolutely helpful to those going through similar circumstances, and courageous enough to read about them. I hope writing this out is helpful to you, as well.
When you write about the tough, the unpleasant, the painful, the scary, it makes the hopeful, the funny, the spiritual, more credible. You have a very generous spirit, Dave.
Dave,
You are NOT going to lose to cancer. Keep your spirits up and your sense of humor. Love the car, looking forward to a ride in it. Get well soon so we can take it out!
Love,
Uncle Billy
Hey Dave,
Speaking of pleasant memories...remember having "band fights" at my house when we were younger? Boy, we were young and bored. I remember me and my friend Dawn walking to Rite-Aid to buy a bag of rubberbands so you, my brother, my friend Dawn and myself can shoot them at each other. Rubberbands everywhere!!!!! My mom was finding "bands" for months behind furniture, under couches, and probably in Prince's intestinal system. Certainly a fun and pleasant memory for me...my mom may feel differently. Keep up the fight or I'll shoot you with a F**ker Band!!!
Lisa T.
Dave, I have been a part of some your pleasant memories and I am looking forward to some more.
When this is all behind you I think it would be time for some "Baby Jesus", "wet Nuts" and "crouching cougar".
Dave,
You will not lose.
Because you have your sense of humor.
Because you can outlast the treatments, and still keep your spirits intact.
Because you have a great support network.
Because you are young, strong, and have fury.
Because you are human, you have those moments of self-pity, and then because you have strength you get right back into the fight.
This is fight is not in vain, you will win. You will drive the Daytona to a rehearsal where people will be trash talking fantasy football.
Nothing that you are doing is in vain. Nothing!!
You are a great teacher, I applaud your perseverance.
a big fan!
Jill Cytron here (if you can remember back to the GUL implementation). John B. sent me the link to your blog. I am so sorry to hear about your diagnosis. It sounds like an incredibly difficult battle, but one that's worth fighting. I know in my heart that you will fight this with every ounce of your being. And I have every confidence that you will persevere. Hang in there!
Too many of your thoughts and comments ring true for me as well - a bit of deja vu actually. Let me explain...in mid August, I noticed what appeared to be a lymph node (about the size of a small egg)on my right groin. Surprisingly enough, I actually made an appointment for myself a few days later at the doctor. Went through a bout of antibiotics, which did nothing. Within the course of the two weeks I noticed more enlarged lymph nodes. On 9/10 I had a biopsy and on 9/17, I received a call at work from the surgeon that I had cancer - Non Hodgkins Lymphoma. Specifically, I have stage III, Follicular Lymphoma. So with PET scans, numerous blood tests, etc. behind me, I'm working with the folks at Duke. I haven't started any therapy yet. With an indolent cancer like this, I have a bit of time to research my options. But it certainly was quite a blow. I'm young (29), healthy, have a 9 month old baby - I don't have time for this! But, like everything else, I will deal with this in stride and give it my all. Reading your blog has certainly been an inspiration to me. Your candor and humor will carry me far in the times ahead. Best of luck to you, you'll be in my thoughts.
Jill, I'm so sorry to hear about your diagnosis. Cancer certainly doesn't discriminate. If anything, it seems to attack good people. In the short time I got to know you, I'm sure you'll prevail in your battle, too. I will pray for you. If you ever need to talk, please feel free to email me at david.cole(at)actionarts.net.
Hi Dave
Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you and sending good thoughts your way.
Hang in there and keep fighting!!
You're going to come out of this as the winner!!!!!
Love & Hugs, Nancy
Just checking in, Dave. You're in my prayers.
Just wanted to let you know that we are praying for you!
Alyson
im sorry i havent been leaving u comments as regulary as i was.. That doesnt mean i dont pray for you and think about u all the time.. love u cousin...
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